The Morning After: Sex, Respect and Hittin’ It on the First Date

31 Oct

It was your first date, but you kinda knew what it was going to happen, before the plates and glasses from dinner even had a chance to be cleared off the table. The chemistry between you and him had been crazy the entire evening. Every time you looked up, he was smiling with his eyes and grinning.

He made you laugh.

You laughed and joked and played around all the way from the restaurant to the lounge to the taxi to the queen-sized bed in your room.

Like many women you know — “If you like him, don’t go!” The voice that says men don’t respect women who sleep with them too quickly. The voice that says despite the fact that you’re turned on, you’re a grown-ass adult and goddamn it,  you want to, as a female you should be the one to decline, to demur, to hold off for another night.

 You begin internalizing cultural judgments about “easy” women. The traditional refrain, “don’t buy the cow if you can get the milk for free,” which implies women should withhold sex to ensnare a partner.

Yet you recognized in a purely practical way that the voice pleading, “wait if you want more from this” was often right. Years of dissecting dating mishaps with your friends taught you that if you want a relationship or even just the potential of one, it’s best to wait.

But, you broke the cardinal rule of all good girl behavior: you got busy on the first date. Legs in the air, hair all over the place, gotta get up to get a glass of water afterwards kind of sex that makes your body smile from the inside out.

But the morning after. Ah, the morning after. The morning after has a way of recoloring the fun you had the night before with an objective, responsible perspective that you didn’t have when the crown of your head was dangling off the edge of the mattress onto the floor. You cut your eye at the almost-stranger with his greasy head all over your favorite accent pillow, mentally scolding yourself for becoming one of those women you and your girls chastise for giving it up too soon. The crazy part is you actually really like this guy. And now you’re worried that he’ll treat you like a one-hit wonder because after all, he did already dig all up in your cookie jar. The possibility of him wanting more in the form of a real relationship is a toss up.

And so begins the morning-after mania of first-date, too-soon, no-commitment, what-the-heck-is-his-last-name-again? sex.

Most guys I’ve heard speak on the subject will say that whether it’s the first date or the fourteenth, bustin’ it up doesn’t have any bearing on whether or not they’ll deal with the girl on a more exclusive level in the future. If he likes her, he likes her regardless and will want to continue seeing her. Apparently, guys don’t sweat the inaugural sexual timeline as much as we do—which really shouldn’t come as much of a surprise since they don’t sweat too much of anything as hard as us ladies do.

So the question actually isn’t whether he’ll respect you the morning after. The question is will you respect yourself?

Advice from three guys;

 

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them.  You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,’” even when you’d rather not wait?  Men get that too.  Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway.  Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway?  Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.

Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential.  What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in!  So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.

it is article is inspired by; clutchmagonline / The Morning After: Sex, Respect and Hittin’ It on the First Date
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6 Responses to “The Morning After: Sex, Respect and Hittin’ It on the First Date”

  1. afroblush October 31, 2012 at 11:59 #

    Awesome blog post! lol @” the crown of your head was dangling off the edge of the mattress onto the floor”

    I agree, I think we are above and beyond the 21/60 or 90 day ritual (depending on which movie or book you read), I think if you have chemistry and you put your intentions out there honestly, then there is not a problem. But it also agree, that there is no harm in just giving it a few days, even if it’s a couple more dates or a few more hours. it only helps to confirm your judgement on how you feel about that person.

    Really enjoyed reading this secretly at work 😛

  2. Leillah October 31, 2012 at 13:31 #

    I think there should be a flip side to this article. What do girls think of guys who expect them to put out on the first date? When I was dating, I expected the guy to want it but not to risk asking for it. I am not sure how it works now, but I am sure the rule book left the table years ago. It’s not like the guy is not putting out as well.

  3. freezyfunkyfeet October 31, 2012 at 13:41 #

    Great blog post!

    I think the key is “Respect yourself”. If you feel like you’re worth a relationship after hitting it on the first date then it will happen. He will want more once he realize that you can easily walk away any time because you have a life on your own. That being said it seems to be easier to keep a guy if you have more than sex BEFORE sex. If you two can talk and have fun together THAT’S what will keep you together and good sex is something extra and bonus.
    To me it’s not about morals or being old-fashioned but just the order of things happening. Somehow it’s just harder to try and have good conversations after you’ve had sex on first date. In the stories I’ve heard it often ends up in more and more sex instead. And then when are the conversations coming that are supposed to be the base of a relationship?
    You both seem to have something you really like and then commitment is not really settling in. Or maybe it does. And then that’s great. To me it just seems much easier to wait a bit and actually add to the excitement by waiting. It can also add to the excitement and turn-on that you can have more than sex. If you get an emotional bond and then sexual bond then that’s a really good and simple base for a relationship. No games, just liking each other.

  4. Lieselotte November 7, 2012 at 12:52 #

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  5. Carolee Roberta November 27, 2012 at 08:44 #

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